Author Topic: Mother is in a nursing home  (Read 1002 times)

Sunny Clouds

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Re: Mother is in a nursing home
« Reply #15 on: October 24, 2017, 09:13:02 PM »
They're on the gov.uk website and you can download them.

Link -

https://www.gov.uk/government/collections/lasting-power-of-attorney-forms
(I'm an obsessive problem-solver, so feel free to ignore any suggestions or solutions I offer, even if they sound terribly insistent.)

auntieCtheM

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Re: Mother is in a nursing home
« Reply #16 on: October 24, 2017, 11:23:32 PM »
Thank you.  I am beginning to panic.  Having those forms has helped so much.  I will be with her for so little time that I need to have everything possible prepared beforehand.

I have copied the financial set of forms and read through some of the other PDF's.  Mother's affairs are very simple so I should be able to do these forms without a solicitor.

I can see me having to do financial things for her but do not know what health decisions I would make.  The social services lady will decide if the council cannot keep her at the nursing home any longer won't she?

NeuralgicNeurotic

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Re: Mother is in a nursing home
« Reply #17 on: October 25, 2017, 04:53:30 AM »
 >bighugs<

Sunny Clouds

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Re: Mother is in a nursing home
« Reply #18 on: October 25, 2017, 11:39:52 AM »
The social services lady will decide, putting it crudely, what they will or won't pay for.

Having said that, something I didn't expect with Dad when he was delirius and seemingly far gone years ago, was that he perked up a lot for a while when he got home.  I've often wondered whether he'd have done better for longer if I'd done less for him, but I'll never know.

Being realistic, though, there's a limit to what you can do.  It bugs me that where I live (and I think where many people live) there's not enough of the support where people say openly that it's not easy, that you can't do all you'd like, that you're never going to be the perfect offspring etc.  People sometimes criticise young mums who take their baby to the doctor too often and the response comes back that their families are too fragmented, where's granny?  Then others set up projects, understanding that young mums need support and reassurance that it's ok not to be the perfect mum and it's ok if baby gets poorly or upset sometimes.

But where's that for adult carers of their elders?  So I've a bit of a bee in my bonnet about reminding others to get the paperwork in place, fight your elder's corner for funding and support where you can, but accept that you'll never be able to make everything ok for them.  I bet your mum couldn't always stop the other kids bullying you or stop you falling over or stop you wandering off and getting lost or whatever.  Heavens, I had a brilliant mum and escaped from nursery school and succeeded in getting home alone.  I walked the route the other day and it took about 20 min as an adult.  Yet you as an adult child  will probably worry whether your mum will wander off or whatever.

Incidentally, if she's got a mobile, maybe she'd let you simplify it and also enter two important numbers.  Use something like a space or dot or underscore in front to put them at the top of the list.  The first should be '[your name] daughter' and the second 'ICE daughter' or ICE [name of close friend]'.  If she uses a taxi company or friend to get home, then put that at the top by whatever name she knows it by, whether it's 'taxi' or '[name of company]'.   I don't know whether you have an ICE number in your mobile, but if not, it's 'in case of emergency' and tells people like doctors and social workers who to contact.

I managed to take Dad's mobile off him and give him a really easy one with the firm instructions "If you don't know how to use it, ask a child."  He understood that.  After all, his nan would have asked him how to use a crystal radio!

Mostly, I found that a health and welfare power of attorney was more useful in the situations where I didn't expect it to be.  Sometimes there was a problem getting people to understand the relevance of it.  E.g. Dad in care home, just back from seeing specialist, they told me they'd called the GP about a problem he'd already had before he saw the specialist but that they hadn't told me about  >steam< and that they wanted the GP to prescribe for.

I said don't give Dad whatever the GP prescribes unless and until I OK it, because I want to talk with the GP about it, not least to make sure he's got a chance to find out what the specialist's done with the meds.  The GP then phoned me late evening because he, like me, wanted to discuss it.

I gave the GP more info I'd obtained by interrogating the care home staff and we agreed not to give Dad the new meds the GP had prescribed just yet, but to make other changes.  A little while after that, the manager complained to me that the new meds were making things worse not better.  I asked some questions.  They'd been giving him what the GP prescribed.  The care home manager blamed the meds manager and vice-versa.  No one could get their heads round my saying that we all know the phrase "My body, my choice, no means no" and that with a power of attorney it's "Elder's body, attorney's choice, no means no".  So if your mother goes into a home longer term, check out how they react on LPAs.  It doesn't matter whether they want to take full control or you want control so long as you're in agreement.
(I'm an obsessive problem-solver, so feel free to ignore any suggestions or solutions I offer, even if they sound terribly insistent.)

SteveX

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Re: Mother is in a nursing home
« Reply #19 on: October 25, 2017, 08:09:38 PM »
>bighugs<
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auntieCtheM

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Re: Mother is in a nursing home
« Reply #20 on: October 25, 2017, 10:16:31 PM »
Thank you Steve, I appreciate that.

Thanks for your advice Sunny.  Everyone is different.  My Mother does not have a mobile and her problem is not wandering off and getting lost, but the opposite, actually getting her to leave her room or look after herself.  But you are right, adult children are left to work it out for themselves.

I've managed to get the pets into a home - of course it is half term and everywhere is booked up.  My friend who is driving me is primed about what is to happen when we get there and he has booked us accommodation.  Off I go.

NeuralgicNeurotic

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Re: Mother is in a nursing home
« Reply #21 on: October 25, 2017, 11:45:13 PM »
Have a safe trip auntie. Will be thinking of you.  >hugs<

SunshineMeadows

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Re: Mother is in a nursing home
« Reply #22 on: October 26, 2017, 12:15:07 PM »
 >bighugs< >bighugs< >bighugs< >hatandscarf<

Sunny Clouds

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Re: Mother is in a nursing home
« Reply #23 on: October 26, 2017, 01:14:47 PM »
 >bighugs<

Auntie, your mother's lucky that you care.
(I'm an obsessive problem-solver, so feel free to ignore any suggestions or solutions I offer, even if they sound terribly insistent.)

SteveX

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Re: Mother is in a nursing home
« Reply #24 on: October 26, 2017, 08:11:45 PM »
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huhn

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Re: Mother is in a nursing home
« Reply #25 on: October 27, 2017, 04:41:20 PM »
I want to point out something, what happened  many years ago, my grandmother was still working as a seamstress  with 90 and then she got a stroke and was not more able to live  without help, all children where  working and did not have time and place and energy to take her in care, so she got in a old people home, was not one of this dream  ones, it was a simple  one.  after a short time, she smiled and said to her  children, thank you  for bringing me here,  at home with  your care  I  were  feeling now alone, here I have a lot of old people like me, and now  she has  time to talk with them and be busy with her own age group, and she pointed out, that she was never thinking that  those place is the right one, one day for her,  she lived there many years and  was always a happy person, I was also thinking in the first time, she must feel not wanted to be sent to a old peoples home.

auntieCtheM

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Re: Mother is in a nursing home
« Reply #26 on: October 31, 2017, 07:24:55 PM »
Hey huhn, my mother said to me she does not like being in the nursing home, surrounded by old people.  She is 95.

All is well and mother is desperate to get out.  I had to explain to her that the only way she is going to do that is to do what they want.  But she is stubborn and does not like the fact that her freedom has been lost.  It has been an uphill struggle explaining that she has to prove to them she is capable of looking after herself.  I'm worn out.

auntieCtheM

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Re: Mother is in a nursing home
« Reply #27 on: November 02, 2017, 07:46:10 PM »
Mother has recovered from the heart attack thank goodness, but cannot remember any of it.  Everything she says now is negative which is what has made it so difficult to talk to her.  Plus the fact that she is very deaf and I had to shout to get her to hear.  She also has other things wrong with her, as happens as you accumulate illnesses as you get older.

Anyway I hope that they let her go home soon with someone going in to visit her once a week (if she lets them in!)  There is not a lot more I can do.

I've spent the last two days in bed trying to get over the fibro fatigue.

NeuralgicNeurotic

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Re: Mother is in a nursing home
« Reply #28 on: November 03, 2017, 01:28:01 AM »
 >bighugs<

huhn

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Re: Mother is in a nursing home
« Reply #29 on: November 03, 2017, 06:16:06 AM »
 >hugs< >hugs< >hugs< >hugs< >hugs< >hugs< >hugs< >hugs< >hugs< >hugs<