Author Topic: Silly joke thread.  (Read 112972 times)

Hurtyback

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #765 on: August 12, 2015, 04:04:47 PM »
Haha. I have seen something similar for men but this is the first time I have seen this version  >lol<

Yvette

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #766 on: August 16, 2015, 10:10:31 AM »
Facebook in Real Life:- 

I haven’t got a computer but I was told about Facebook and Twitter.  So I have been trying to make friends outside Facebook and Twitter - while applying the same principles.

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do for the rest of the day. 

I give them pictures of my wife, my daughter, my dog, and me gardening and on holiday, spending time by the pool. 

I also listen to their conversations, tell them I “like” them and give them my opinion on every subject that interests me… whether it interests them or not.

And it works. I already have four people following me: two police officers, a social worker and a psychiatrist.

Yvette

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #767 on: August 21, 2015, 02:59:25 PM »
Clever cheat:  a man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'.
Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger.         


Two women asked me if I'd like to go bed with them - they said it would be just like winning Lotto!
I agreed, and they were right.
We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

   
Valentine's Day:  Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker.

   
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

   
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
 

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Woollies. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

auntieCtheM

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #768 on: August 23, 2015, 11:34:29 PM »
WALMART GREETER. . ..

You never can tell what some of these old guy’s have done in the past by looking at them.

WAL-MART SENIOR GREETER. . ..

You just have to appreciate this one. Young people forget that older people had a career before they retired...


Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy,
Clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously
Demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when
You finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.

Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, I know you're retired from
The Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning
Late so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said
With a grin,

"They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?


Yvette

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #769 on: August 24, 2015, 09:54:59 AM »
Brilliant!!  >lol<   >lol<   >lol<

Yvette

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #770 on: September 01, 2015, 12:03:41 AM »
Robbers entered a bank in a small town.

One of them shouted:-

"Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you.”

Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.
 
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.

_________________________________________________________


One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner. The robber approached her saying :-

"Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly."
 
This is an example of how to behave professionally and focus on the goal.

_________________________________________________________


While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished elementary school):-
 
"Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole?"

The older man replied:-

"Don’t be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank."
 
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.

_________________________________________________________


After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant:-

"Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen".

"Wait”, said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's add that money we took for ourselves over the past few months and also add in any other problems and just say that it was stolen as part of today’s robbery."
 
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

_________________________________________________________


The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million.
The robbers then counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble.

"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking. Maybe it’s better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."
 
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power?

_________________________________________________________


Moral:

Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank.

Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.

Yvette

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #771 on: September 11, 2015, 08:51:42 AM »
The following is a bit rude - so please do not continue to read if you are of a sensitive disposition - but absolutely true.

Stallholder Dominic Greyer, who was selling the associated merchandise for his book of amusing place names, 'Lesser Spotted Britain' was forced to place a 'censored' sign in front of the mugs, coasters and tea towels by a man who organised a visit for a Women's Institute event in Harrogate. 
 
The male organiser (unlike the actual members of the WI), thought the place names were too rude for the WI.
 
Mr Greyer said: 'It was pretty farcical, it was like I was running an adult shop.
 
'I had to cover up what on paper seem like rude names but, in context, are real places from around the UK.
 
'It's just 'Carry On' humour, it's not like you can't drive past these places, they're all out there on the street for people to see.'
 
The author said the WI ladies approaching his stall during the event at the weekend were 'gobsmacked' by the censoring and thought it was a marketing gimmick.  Some of them were pretty put out and thought it was patronising of the male organiser.
 
Mr Greyer, who has spent the last 20 years finding and photographing unusual place names, said: 'This has never happened to me before. These places all exist and when I show my photographs and mugs at events it draws people in.
 
'When you start putting the word 'censored' over things you are selling, people are even more curious. Making me cover the names of places up just denies people the chance to laugh.'
 
He said it wasn't the ladies of the WI who complained at the Harrogate event but two of the male organisers, one of whom said his 'neck would be on the line' if they were not covered up because of the organisation's president was coming round.
 
The names the male organiser thought were too rude:
 
Wetwang, East Yorkshire
 
Cockermouth, Cumbria
 
Three Cocks, Powys
 
Twatt, Shetland Islands
 
Bell End, Northamptonshire
 
Sandy Balls, Hampshire
 
Slack Bottom, West Yorkshire
 
Butts View, Derbyshire
 
Cocking, Sussex
 
Bully Hole Bottom, Monmouthshire
 
Minge Lane, Worcestershire
 
Assington, Suffolk
 
Juggs Lane, West Sussex
 
Furry Way, Cornwall
 
Rings End, Cambridgeshire

Yvette

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #772 on: September 13, 2015, 08:39:53 PM »
Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is I can cure your headaches.
 
The bad news is that it will require removal of both your testicles.
 
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
 
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
 
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
 
As he walked down the street, he realized that although he felt like a different person, without the headache he could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need. A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
 
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see, Size 44 long.'
 
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how do you know?'
 
'Been in the business 40 years!' the tailor said.
 
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
 
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
 
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
 
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how do you know?'
 
 'Been in the business 40 years.'
 
Joe tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
 
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
 
'How about some new underwear?'
 
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
 
The salesman said, 'Let's see, Size 36.
 
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
 
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34.  A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
 
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Yvette

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #773 on: September 21, 2015, 01:55:52 PM »
Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco.

Mensa, as you know, is an international organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.

Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe.

When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?

Clearly -- this was a job for Mensa minds!

The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.

They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains........"

 But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted.

"Oh – sorry about that."

She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

Reminds me of our various governments........

Political minds complicating every simple solution!

Yvette

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #774 on: September 26, 2015, 10:52:59 AM »

Square Testicles 
           
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a handbag full of money.  She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her bag on his desk and replied, $165,000. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.     

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take the bet?''

Certainly', replied the president.

'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered.

'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'

'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.

'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,

'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.

huhn

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #775 on: September 26, 2015, 02:23:36 PM »
 >biggergrin< i enjoyed it

wheelydad

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #776 on: September 27, 2015, 12:21:06 AM »
Yvette, another cracker, naughty but good.