Author Topic: disabled, gay and coming out  (Read 4000 times)

Otter

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disabled, gay and coming out
« on: March 05, 2012, 12:03:56 AM »
reaction from the disabled community, does not worry me - everyone is delighted

being an aspie doesn't seem all things being equal to be the reason why I can't hold a relationship together with a man. I certainly have never experienced the clarity I am experiencing now with one, the electricity and not wishing to be anywhere else

I was in my teens very close to a number of gay women but platonic due to their relationships, so 25 years plus down the line its a surprise, though I have no design on fighting it

My concern is my relatives - for a woman to reach 30 and not be married with children even now is up for discussion. I am in my 40s, they are still speaking of me settling down and bringing my children to stay- biologically I'm not ticking, it can't happen. They are convinced this due to my ASD, I no longer agree with them.

What do I do?

hossylass

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Re: disabled, gay and coming out
« Reply #1 on: March 05, 2012, 12:33:17 AM »
Firstly I would say celebrate !

Then I think you should wonder whether its worth telling them... let them believe its the ASD for a bit longer. After all, you have only just found yourself - its probably worth holding onto this feeling for a bit longer before sharing.

I'd wait a good few weeks - I usually reckon about 6-8 weeks is a good enough amount of time, just let the excitement in yourself cool a little, otherwise you may be too consumed with wanting them to be happy for you, and not have mental space to deal with an adverse outcome.

Also, your new person will be able to support you emotionally better if it becomes traumatic if they know you better.

So concentrate on having a lovely time, and dont rush into the lions den of relatives >lol<

Prabhakari

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Re: disabled, gay and coming out
« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2012, 01:17:16 AM »
Ignore them.
Enjoy being alive.
Make friends with those who do not judge a person by such matters.

May you be free from hatred and poison.
All that matters in life is our compassion towards each other.

With metta, Prabhakari.  >rose<
Bless 'em all, bless 'em all,
The long and the short and the tall.

Jockice

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Re: disabled, gay and coming out
« Reply #3 on: March 05, 2012, 05:36:15 AM »
Just go for it Otter, whatever it happens to be. You're not hurting anyone. But do you find it necessary to 'come out' as such to your family? I know that for a lot of people they find it clears the air to do so, but is it not possible to just go with the flow without thinking of your family's reaction for now? Easier said than done I suppose and there's the added complication of your background (or what I surmise it is from reading your previous messages). Best of luck whatever you do anyway.

It may be a strange quirk on my part but I just don't like relationships (I really would rather be alone a lot of the time) and when I've had them in the past I've tried to keep them low key. Big announcements are not my style.

The trouble is if you behave like that it tends to make others more curious and it does lead people to question my sexuality quite a bit. Only a few weeks ago a female friend tried to get me to admit to being gay (jokingly, but seriously at the same time, if that makes sense). The irony is that some of my other friends have thought for years that I'm having a secret relationship with her, and still do even though she's now married with a child. And then there are those who think that being disabled I'm obviously asexual, and those who think that being disabled I'm obviously a potential stalker/sex pest...

Got to admit it used to really annoy me when I was younger if people thought I was gay but now, in the words of George Clooney, I couldn't give a shit.

myrtlemaid

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Re: disabled, gay and coming out
« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2012, 08:47:48 AM »
WOW Otter good on you.. its good you have foundout something so important about yourself and great that you feelcomfortable enough to share it here..

Who else you tell is completely your own business andif you feel telling other people will cause you more grief than joy, andmay make you feel ashamed or scared then you dont HAVE to tell.. no one expects peopleto go around announcing they are hetro so why should you HAVE to announce you're gay.. You are free to choose who you tell and in what circumstances.

Enjoy this new part ofyou and get used to it and maybe building it into your identity at your own rate !

jox

If you have a true and loyal friend you indeed have a goodly share of lifes riches

seegee

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Re: disabled, gay and coming out
« Reply #5 on: March 05, 2012, 10:01:13 AM »
Enjoy the relationship you have now.  >magicfairy< >hugs<
You can let your family know later if you want to; but for now they don't need to know - you can relax & enjoy what you have.
I said from being about 14 that I didn't want to have children but don't think I was really believed until quite recently (I'm 47)... >erm<
It may be that your family are beginning to think you won't have children anyway by now, but it's entirely up to you when or if they know about your partner.   >bighugs<

Fiz

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Re: disabled, gay and coming out
« Reply #6 on: March 05, 2012, 10:11:07 AM »
My mother had been in a relationship with her partner for a year or two before she told her family. Some of us suspected and some of us hadn't. Most of the family fully accepted her long term partner as part of the family (all her children did) but some struggled with it (her sister and her sisters's family) and now that my mother has died it is only us children that remain in contact with her partner. I guess when/if you do tell them your family may be similar, some will accept it, some will accept you and not so much the partner and some will not like it but at the end of the day that is their problem.

KizzyKazaer

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Re: disabled, gay and coming out
« Reply #7 on: March 05, 2012, 10:17:10 AM »
If you've found a special someone, you indeed have one of 'life's riches'  >biggrin<

Like others have said, there's really no need to feel you have to explain anything at this stage - just take your time and be glad that you can at last be true to yourself instead of wondering if you have to be something else just to satisfy other people's expectations.  You now have freedom  >thumbsup<

NeuralgicNeurotic

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Re: disabled, gay and coming out
« Reply #8 on: March 05, 2012, 10:21:58 AM »
Otter, I agree with what's been said above. Enjoy the relationship you've found, and don't feel that you have to rush into telling your parents. I've a mate who came out well over a decade ago, and whose parents still don't know. Just do what works for you. And congrats on finding someone you feel so comfortable with!  >bubbly< >thumbsup< >bubbly<

Seegee - oddly enough, I was the same. I like children, and get on with them well, but knew deep down, since being in my teens, that motherhood just wasn't for me. I have a wonderful BF for whom having a family just isn't an objective either, and we're both happy.

Fizzbw

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Re: disabled, gay and coming out
« Reply #9 on: March 05, 2012, 10:30:28 AM »
Congratulations! how exciting for you!

I can understand whey you want to come out to your family now, I'm like that too, if I make a decision I find it really hard to sit on it! But I think the advice on holding fire for now is good, especially if you think the reaction might be difficult. Enjoy the newness and excitement unblemished! Having said that, your family may surprise you....

Best wishes

fizzbw xxx

Hurtyback

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Re: disabled, gay and coming out
« Reply #10 on: March 05, 2012, 10:53:18 AM »
Congratulations on finding someone who makes you happy! I agree, keep this 'secret' to yourself for the moment, so that you can savour it without any outside intereference. Then tell people when the time feels right.
 
My 85 year old mother 'came out' to me last year. I many ways, I was not surpised, but it was rather a shock to hear her talk about things, it is not neccessarily what a 'child' wants to hear from their parent  >lol< To the best of my knowledge, this was the first relationship she has considered for decades and, unfortunately for her, this one was not meant to be.

RococoSoul

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Re: disabled, gay and coming out
« Reply #11 on: March 05, 2012, 12:02:57 PM »
Congratulations!!  >hugs< Agree with Hossy and the others.  >thumbsup<
People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.

RoseRodent

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Re: disabled, gay and coming out
« Reply #12 on: March 05, 2012, 12:06:48 PM »
I'm not sure peopl need to come down on one side of the fence or the other anyway. If you feel that having the security inside yourself of feeling you are gay is helpful to you, and contributes positively to your sense of self then you may decide that coming out is something you want to do. Equally, just knowing it might be enough information. I have a very confusing sexuality, at least to the rest of the world. It doesn't confuse me! I am married to a man and we have a full married relationship but I don't consider myself bisexual because I'm with him, I'm still gay. I like women and my husband. He happens to be an exception, but I've never liked any other men in that way, and when we are out anywhere together we have an eye for similar women. People told him I would never be happy with him and I'd inevitably leave him for a woman, but I have no desire to 10 years later. The world is so keen to box us up in ways it can understand, to have us be this or that or the other, but the only thing we need to concentrate on is being who we are and being happy with that. It's great that you have this new area of yourself to explore, I agree with Hossy, hang onto it for a few weeks until you have decided exactly what you want to do, if you feel the need to share, if it will add to your life to "come out" or not. I'm not so sure it's exactly a coming out anyway since you have never been "in" you just hadn't figured it out. It generally becomes necessary to share if you get to a point where you are actually keeping secrets or wish you could introduce someone to your family, but till then it's all on whether it's something you want to do.

Sunshine Meadows

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Re: disabled, gay and coming out
« Reply #13 on: March 05, 2012, 12:30:34 PM »
Otter,

:-) the other posts so far have all been good advice, so the only thing I have to add is that if you are in a relationship with another woman it would be worth you asking her opinion on what to do. I don't mean in a would you like to meet the family sort of way because that would be too much pressure on such a new relationship. I just mean so you two can talk about and so avoid the worry you have over telling your family and there reaction is out in the open.

It is not the same thing but when I met Mr Sunshine my brothers and Dad we all offended because they all had me in a 'she is disabled and won't find anyone' box, and I I just moved down to the Midlands without asking their 'permission'. >lol<

Otter

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Re: disabled, gay and coming out
« Reply #14 on: March 05, 2012, 12:51:29 PM »
my GF actually lives with her brother and sister in law due to the result of her coming out

there are family members in the extended pool with whom I would love to share my news with

but then there are closer family who are horrifically homophobic and cruel with it- and I would rather screwer my eyeballs

and in the majority they are waiting for me to find Mr Right and I am a failure until I do - I feel I want to give them a reason

but, I am talking everyone's advice as the outcome would probably be a conclusion that they have lost me

my relationship with my family is strained as it is, however if I am given the choice, I already know what my decision is and I will walk away, head head high