Author Topic: No need to get angry...  (Read 7622 times)

Jockice

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No need to get angry...
« on: May 15, 2012, 07:11:46 AM »
Yesterday I met up with a former work colleague to go to a meeting on the first flloor of a building. While waiting for the lift the doors opened and a woman in the lift said: "Are you going down?'' Nope, we're going up I said and made no attempt to get inside, so the doors shut and the woman continued on her way to the basement exit while I pressed the button again.

To my ex-colleague this was an outrage. "She saw you were on crutches and yet she just shut the door on you,'' she said. Well that's not exactly how it happened and it made no difference to me either way apart from having to press the button twice instead of once. If we'd got in then we'd have had to go to the basement before going up.

But my ex-colleague was still outraged. She mentioned it to the other people at the meeting and even afterwards was still going on about this woman's apparent utter selfishness in not letting me into the lift even though I'm on crutches. I made it plain that it hadn't remotely bothered me but she had worked up such a head of steam that it was hard to get it through to her.

This is by no means the only time in my life that someone else has got angry on my behalf about something that didn't make me angry at all. I can even point to occasions when other people have made loud public complaints - without my permission obviously about things that they think have made me mad but in fact haven't affected me at all. And I'm sure you other Ouchers have had similar experiences...

hossylass

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Re: No need to get angry...
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2012, 09:19:32 AM »
Outrage by proxy :(

Jockice

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Re: No need to get angry...
« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2012, 09:50:42 AM »
Not strictly disability-connected but there was an occasion a few years ago when a friend complained on my behalf about the food I'd been given in a restaurant - food that I could see nothing wrong with at all and had already told her I could see nothing wrong with. It tasted fine too.

 She won't do that again. Even I have a breaking point.

Sunshine Meadows

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Re: No need to get angry...
« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2012, 09:59:29 AM »
I can't recall this type of thing happening to me but then I don't get out much. Maybe it has to do with women wanting to mother you >yikes<

In a similar situation if Mr Sunshine thought I wanted in the lift straightaway he would just have put his hand out so the door did not shut, maybe the woman felt she should have done something.

Jockice

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Re: No need to get angry...
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2012, 10:17:10 AM »
I think it's more likely they want to smother me.

In the second case I have to admit this woman was a serial restaurant complainer. Food's one of the great loves of her life, whereas for me it's just something I eat because I have to. I genuinely have no interest at all in the layout of it on the plate or in this case whether something may have been reheated (and only may - it was hard to tell and I couldn't have cared less anyway). If it looks and tastes reasonable and I can eat it with as little fuss as possible it's fine by me.

I think in most cases it's along the lines of 'he's disabled and quiet therefore he needs someone to stand up for himself.' I can stand up for myself perfectly well but people often want histronics. I mentioned on the old Ouch about someone asking 'why aren't you angry?' when I didn't get emotional over some tiny thing (so tiny in fact that I now can't remember what it was). Er, it may be because it just didn't make me angry and if I was to force myself to get angry over everything that happened to me I'd spend my entire life in a permanent rage. I quite like having some other emotions sometimes.

seegee

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Re: No need to get angry...
« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2012, 10:48:08 AM »
I wonder why she thought standing in the lift while it went down to the basement and back was better than standing where you were while waiting for the lift to do the trip without you.  >erm<

Sunshine Meadows

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Re: No need to get angry...
« Reply #6 on: May 15, 2012, 12:31:55 PM »
Quote
I wonder why she thought standing in the lift while it went down to the basement and back was better than standing where you were while waiting for the lift to do the trip without you.  >erm<

Especially given the way lifts judder under your feet.

Quote
Er, it may be because it just didn't make me angry and if I was to force myself to get angry over everything that happened to me I'd spend my entire life in a permanent rage.

 >taz<

The thing is in general a lot of people can't cope around an angry disabled person, but what some people don't realise is that what 'just happened' is the final straw in a week full of straws.

RedAndBlue

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Re: No need to get angry...
« Reply #7 on: May 15, 2012, 02:36:51 PM »
I had a "friend" in college who would do things like that. She was a bit of a Equality for Minorities Campaigner, even when the people she'd be "defending" had no problem whatsoever with whatever she was taking issue with.

She'd loudly complain to shop employees about the lack of access, she'd put the teachers in their places whenever they said anything remotely "exclusive" that might have offended me and one time, we were trying to organise a trip somewhere and someone suggested something not only very inaccessible but also potentially dangerous for someone with my disability to join in on, I think it was Bungee Jumping, and she Lost it.

It was embarrassing. If the teacher had just asked my opinion first, I would have been able to diffuse the situation before it even sparked but she didn't, so I couldn't and, god. I don't know what was worse, the suggester telling my "friend" I could speak up for myself, or my so called Friend telling me to defend myself against disability discrimination....

She got that way over anything and everything. Race, Religion, Sexuality, Endangered Species...

We stopped talking in the end, no guesses as to why!
A man got sick because of officiate.

Sunshine Meadows

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Re: No need to get angry...
« Reply #8 on: May 15, 2012, 04:06:22 PM »
Red and Blue,

What you said about your 'friend' reminds me of someone I knew a while back who would get caught up in the vocabulary and definitions being used more than getting the message across. She would correct me in the phrases I and other people used, emphasise empowerment and disabled person's need to be consulted and in control beyond the point people actually wanted or needed to be. Alienating the people who could and would help and wanted to listen.

In Jockice's situation the woman should have just asked him if he wanted to get in the lift then go down to go up before she  >taz<.

It does seem that 'angry advocate' can be there when you don't need them but then when you do the timing is never right :-( When I was working there were times I was waiting outside the disabled toilet for ages only to realise there was an able bodied person in there talking to their girlfriend on the phone, I would have loved to have some loud mouth fish wife of a woman hammer on the door with her rolling pin shouting ' You coming out or what? You should be ashamed of yourself, DO YOU know there is a lady in a wheelchair HERE....'

Actually that may be a good idea Advocates by the hour, we could have,

Angry Fishwife with rolling pin speciality shouting and shaming.

what else erm...

Rule book Roderick who has tape measure and a device for measuring the stepness of ramps speciality tapping of pencil and cold stare (at your boss)



Sofie

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Re: No need to get angry...
« Reply #9 on: May 15, 2012, 05:02:36 PM »
I find the reactions of anger really odd. I've never know anyone to become angry because I've politely refused their request of help. It's usually "excuse me, do you want help?" "no, thank you". "ok" and then they walk off and do whatever they were doing.

seegee

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Re: No need to get angry...
« Reply #10 on: May 15, 2012, 06:08:26 PM »
 >lol< SM

myrtlemaid

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Re: No need to get angry...
« Reply #11 on: May 15, 2012, 06:53:08 PM »
I rarely get so angry  I cant controll what I do and say.. on fact it takes a pretty sustained set of circumstances to make me truly incandecent. I can get irritated annoyed and a tad snappy but I hate to be seen to loose control so tend to try to be as dipomatic as possible.

I cant spare the energt to get cross about minor things people do even when maybe I should because I dont want the conflict and the repercussions that follow.

I dont really have friends .. I do have onefriend and he would defend me and stickup for me if he  thought I was being abused misused or mistreated in any circumstamce.. but with something like jockices lify incident we;d be more likely to just raise our eyebrows and make sarcastic comments about their mannerss.

I do stick up for nyself when I think something really matters, but with my energy levels pretty low Ive begun to pick my battles carefully and only go for someones jugular when r5eally neccessary

Guess Im just a wimpy pussycat at heart.
If you have a true and loyal friend you indeed have a goodly share of lifes riches

auntieCtheM

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Re: No need to get angry...
« Reply #12 on: May 15, 2012, 09:57:33 PM »
I think that you have put your finger on it Myrtlemaid.  It is the lack of energy.  With so little, what a waste to use it on something as unproductive as having a go at someone over nothing.

An AB person has far more energy with some to spare.  So that could be the reason people we know get all hot and steamy over something that we are prone to ignore.

RedAndBlue

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Re: No need to get angry...
« Reply #13 on: May 15, 2012, 10:13:43 PM »
Ahah! An on call Angry Fishwife, that'd be great. There really is Never any loudmouths around when you need one to wave around the injustice spoon on your behalf.

And Auntie, it also might be that we're used to some things being unfair or, in the case of Jockice and the lift episode, our experiences have taught us what would benefit us and what wouldn't, so we don't even consider getting angry about it because it's what we face daily. Where as someone AB usually gets a culture shock when they have to live by our abilities and/or limitations.
A man got sick because of officiate.

Jockice

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Re: No need to get angry...
« Reply #14 on: May 16, 2012, 12:37:21 AM »
There was a local radio phone-in not long ago about disability. I didn't take part (although I was on one on Five Live last year) but a woman rang in about life as a wheelchair user and said that sometimes people just left her to it and didn't offer help. The presenter was absolutely shocked and kept repeating: "They don't even help you?" I was tempted to ring in myself and point out that what people often thought was helpful was in fact exactly the opposite and I'd prefer to be just left alone much of the time. However I think if I'd done that the presenter's head might have exploded...

(And then of course there are the semi-regular articles in the national press by someone who has found themselves incapacitated for a short period of time and writes about how terrible their temporary experience of disability has been and that they didn't realise the daily barriers and prejudice us lot have to face. Yet funnily enough if someone with a lifetime of disability experience points this out they are written off as just bitter. This even happened in the readers' comments of a recent article when someone who was born with her disability was criticised and told it wasn't as bad for her because she was used to it. Astonishing.)